The Duke of Desire Page 19

  He pushed to his feet and paced off. She stayed where she was, despite how much she wanted to follow him. To fold him into her arms and hold him. Comfort him.

  He leaned against a tree for a moment, his breath short. “I never saw him again. I left every letter unanswered. I avoided him strenuously. I threw myself into sin and sex to forget it all. He died three years later and I inherited.”

  She did stand now, stepping toward him. “Do you regret not talking to him in the final years of his life?”

  He pondered that question a moment. “No. We had nothing left to say to each other. He wanted me to come back for control, not love. Whatever thin veneer of connection we ever had was dead long before he was.”

  She nodded slowly. She saw regrets on his face, perhaps ones he did not even recognize, but this was not the time to draw them out. He looked exhausted from confession. Ready to collapse.

  “May I ask you a question?” she whispered, coming to him at last and reaching up to draw her thumb across his lips gently.

  He shivered at her touch. “I have dumped an ugly pile of history on you. Ask away.”

  “Could he have lied to you about her death?” she asked. “Just to hurt her, hurt you, one final time?”

  He sucked in a long breath. “I thought of that. Hoped it was true. But after he died, I was going through his papers and I found her suicide letter. He had filed it with her dowry and marriage contracts. Like it was a business transaction with the rest. I read it a hundred times. I could recite it to you word for word if it wouldn’t make me—” He broke off and his head bent. “—choke.”

  Now she did wrap her arms around him, pulling him against her. His head dropped onto her shoulder and he went nearly limp in her arms. She held him, using all her strength to buoy his. Feeling this powerful man shake in her arms.

  “Do they know?” she whispered when his breath returned to some kind of normal rhythm.

  “They, the dukes?” he asked, his voice muffled before he lifted his head and stared down at her.

  “You must have told them. They are your closest friends.”

  He hesitated and then shook his head. “They don’t know she killed herself,” he whispered. “Just that she died. Just that my father was an unrelenting bastard who deserves his cold grave.”

  Her lips parted. “Oh, Robert, to carry that pain all alone for so long. I’m so sorry.”

  He was staring down into her eyes now, his gaze intense. Unreadable. And her breath was stolen by how powerful her emotions were. Empathy, understanding and beneath it all, love. She so deeply loved this man, more every day. Despite their bad beginning, despite his terrible reputation, despite the bargain he had made that now seemed like it was leagues away.

  She loved him. Maybe some part of her had always been drawn to him. That he made her nervous, fluttery, hadn’t been something she’d understood. And yet now it all made sense. His soul, like hers, had been shattered for so long.

  But when they were together, there was peace.

  “Why did you tell me this?” she whispered. “When you have never said it out loud.”

  He swallowed hard, and for a moment she thought he might reveal the same feelings that now rioted in her chest. Love. A love that would be wild and free and passionate.

  “I care for you,” he said instead, and his gaze darted away.

  Her heart sank a little. Not the declaration she had hoped for. And yet…it was clear it was one that was difficult for him to make at all. It was meaningful to him.

  “You do?” she whispered.

  He stared into her eyes. “Yes,” he said softly, the sound barely carrying on the cool breeze. “I have always avoided such things. Entanglements of the heart are complicated. Even watching my friends marry and seem happy has not changed my opinion that marriage can be a very dangerous endeavor.”

  She blinked. He was talking about subjects that should have made her heart soar. But his choice of words, his tone…they were not particularly romantic. “I’m not certain what you want me to say, Robert, when you tell me that you like me despite your hesitations about matters of the heart in general.”

  He pursed his lips. “I wasn’t clear. Let me try again. Katherine, I would like to…court you.”

  Her eyes went wide and she stared at him in shock. “I beg your pardon?”

  “Yes, to court you,” he repeated, hesitation thick in his tone.

  She arched a brow. “Are you sure?”

  “No, but yes.” He smiled. “Not properly court you, though. At least not entirely. I will still want to do all those wicked things that we’ve been doing. I’m never going to be the man who simpers or smiles or thinks that kissing your gloved hand will be enough passion.”

  She shook her head. “Heaven forbid. But can you really mean that? Courting has an end, Robert, and it is the one you were just implying was still a mystery to you.”

  He glanced at the cottage once more, his gaze distant. Bleary. Then his gaze returned to her. “Marriage.”

  Her heart was racing but she managed to remain quiet as he processed that word.

  “Yes, there is that,” he said at last. “But it is something I must do at some point, isn’t it? I do have obligations when it comes to my position. And I cannot imagine ever finding another person who challenges me or interests me or drives me as you do. Another person who I would feel comfortable telling my secrets to. Or a person whose secrets I, too, would wish to hold. If that is marriage, couldn’t we be happy together?”

  Once again she was torn. What he described sounded like it could be a happy life. And yet it wasn’t enough. Because she wanted his heart. Now that she recognized it, she had never wanted anything more.

  And yet she couldn’t say that. Couldn’t tell him that or he would run as surely as a spooked filly. What he offered was far more than she could ever hope to find. And perhaps, with time, it could become the thing she wanted most from him.

  “Court me,” she repeated, letting the words roll over her tongue.

  He nodded. “Yes.”

  “Where are you two?” They both jolted as James’s voice carried through the woods toward them.

  “Perfect timing, as always, has my friend James,” Robert said with a laugh and a roll of his eyes.

  She smiled even though her heart ached, both a happy and empty pain. “We have been gone a long time—they probably think we’re doing something very wicked out here.”

  “We should have done instead,” he retorted.

  She stared up at him, seeing the core of his spirit in his eyes in a way she never had before. She shook her head. “No, we did exactly what we ought to have done. I’m glad you talked to me about your mother. And as for courting—”

  “Katherine! Robert?” James’s voice came again.

  Robert furrowed his brow. “We’re just returning, go find something else to do,” he shouted out into the general direction of the voice. “As for courting…?” he encouraged her gently.

  She smiled. “Yes.”

  His eyes went wide. “Yes?”

  She nodded. “Yes.”

  His entire impossibly handsome face lit up and her heart warmed at the sight. Whatever else he did not, or could not, feel for her, he did seem truly happy that she had accepted his attentions. Happy enough that she lifted up to her tiptoes and brushed her lips to his.

  His arms came around her and he tugged her closer, the kiss transforming into something deeper and darker and more filled with promise. At last she pulled away.

  “We’ll have to continue that later,” she whispered.

  He let out a playfully put-upon sigh. “I count on it. Now come on, before he sends out a party to drag us back to propriety.”

  He caught her arm and they walked back toward the group. And though Katherine was happy with what they had decided, happier than perhaps she’d ever thought she could be when she found Robert here at Emma and James’s party, there was still a na
gging doubt in her chest.

  Doubt about him. Doubt about herself. Doubt about any future they could have, especially when the past still felt so powerful.

  Chapter Nineteen

  Katherine pinched her cheeks and smiled at her reflection before she smoothed the skirts of her ballgown. As she did so, there was a light knock on her chamber door and then her aunt tucked her head around the barrier.

  “Oh, you look lovely,” Bethany cooed.

  Katherine pivoted to face her. “Thank you. The brocading on this gown is my very favorite,” she said. “Come in.”

  Bethany entered the room and Katherine smiled. “And don’t you look lovely, too,” she said, admiring her aunt’s green gown, which brought out the highlights in her dark hair. The very same ones Katherine shared. “If you are not careful, you shall be mistaken for my sister, not my aunt, and some young man will sweep you into a scandalous affair.”

  Bethany began to laugh. “I doubt that. At any rate, I think the limit is one scandalous affair per family, isn’t it?”

  Katherine opened her mouth to deny the charge, but then threw up her hands. “I suppose there is no reason to deny it to you, Aunt Bethany. Robert and I are fairly obvious, I think, in our connection.”

  “I’m glad you took my advice to have a little fun just for yourself,” Bethany said as she took a seat before Katherine’s fire and smiled up at her.

  “I am, too,” Katherine said with a contented sigh. “The past week has been heavenly. I cannot believe we return to London tomorrow.”

  Bethany arched a brow. “And when you return? What then? You will break off the affair?”

  Katherine worried her lip. “Well, it is…more than an affair now. You see, a few days ago Robert declared that he would like to court me. Officially.”

  Bethany’s eyes went wide. “The Duke of Roseford asked to court you?”

  Katherine couldn’t help but laugh at the incredulity. “Yes. I was as shocked as anyone.”

  “And you accepted?” Bethany sputtered.

  Now some of Katherine’s pleasure was tempered. “You do not approve?”

  Bethany pushed from her chair and paced the room. “It is just that the man has such a reputation! A courtship implies he would offer marriage. Would you want to be trapped in a life with a person like him? So driven by his baser desires?”

  Katherine hesitated. What her aunt said was true, certainly, at least to the public perception. But she also felt protective. She knew Robert better, she loved him.

  “Since his request to court me, I have felt a change in him,” she said softly. “He is…well, he’s not entirely proper, but there is something there that goes far deeper than mere desire. He makes me laugh. He makes me smile. He comforts me and has faith in parts of me that I hardly knew existed.”

  Bethany blinked at her in shock. “You are in love with him?”

  Katherine ducked her head as she squeaked out, “I am.”

  Bethany was silent long enough that Katherine finally looked up at her to see if she had expired from shock. But it was concern on her aunt’s face, nothing more.

  “I have seen the connection between you two. And his friends certainly think highly of him. But I cannot help but worry. Your entire life has been tied to men who left you no choice for so long. I fear that you’ll tie yourself to one who could break your heart. Before you do anything that will be permanent, please promise me that you will explore any concerns you have with the man. Promise me you will not be hasty just because he is handsome and charismatic and fabulous in bed.”

  Katherine sucked in her breath. “Aunt Bethany!”

  Her aunt shrugged. “We must call a spade a spade, my dear.”

  Katherine laughed, but in her heart she knew her aunt was right. After all, there were three things that she had kept from Robert. Three secrets that she held close, at first so that she could use them against him. And now?

  Well, she hadn’t talked to him because she feared the damage they could do. But perhaps Bethany was correct. The time had come to open all the doors, to tell Robert why she had hated him for so long. To demand an explanation for what he’d done.

  And to ask him if he could ever truly give her the future she desired.

  “You’ve given me much to think about,” Katherine whispered. “I know you’re right.”

  Bethany linked arms with her. “I always am. Now, let’s go down. You claim there is some young man who might be interested in me. I’d best find him before it’s too late. And you have a gentleman of your own to see.”

  Katherine couldn’t help but smile at her aunt’s teasing, and yet deep within her anxiety bloomed. There were reasons she had hidden the truth from Robert. And there were stakes to telling the truth.

  Like losing his love before she’d even determined if she could have it.

  The last ball of the country party was in full swing, with what seemed to be every person in Abernathe and the surrounding counties in attendance. Robert found his foot tapping to the music as he watched the couples on the dancefloor. He’d always been good at dancing, of course. A gentleman was meant to be so, and he’d always felt that a dance gave him a good idea of a lady’s behavior in bed. It was all part of the seduction.

  Yet tonight, he wasn’t playing a game. He watched those in attendance as they buzzed around each other, laughing and chatting, and he felt something…different.

  Everything had been different, really, since three days before, when he’d confessed his darkest truth to Katherine and then asked to court her. It had not been easy. There had been times since then when he’d wanted to do nothing more than run as far as he could from her and all she represented. But she always drew him back. Gently, sweetly, and he could not resist her.

  He would marry her. He knew that. And for the first time in his life, when he thought of that eventuality, it did not grip him in abject terror.

  He was drawn from his thoughts as he watched Katherine spin around the dancefloor with James once more. She had been dancing with his friends and the other guests all night, and Robert couldn’t help but puff with pride when he watched her.

  She was something to behold, truly beautiful and graceful. Other men wanted her, but that didn’t make him burn with jealousy. It was pride. She wanted him. She came to him. The others could rot, for all they would ever get was a dance.

  And when she danced with his friends? That was even better. He loved how easily she fit into their ranks. She was a friend to the duchesses, and she was comfortable with the dukes. She belonged and that meant more to him than he could ever explain, no matter how long he had to write a treatise on the subject.

  It was like nothing he’d ever felt before. And he never wanted to lose it. He never wanted to lose her. He didn’t know what to call that feeling. He had an idea what some of his friends would label it, but he wasn’t ready to do that yet. Not yet.

  The song ended, and Katherine laughed as she curtsied and James bowed playfully. Robert stepped forward as they left the floor and met them at the edge of the ballroom, where they would part.

  “I have watched this poor lady be manhandled by shockingly poor dancers long enough,” he declared with a wink for Katherine. “Please, Lady Gainsworth, do allow me to offer you a far superior partner.”

  Her eyes lit up as she smiled at James. “Abernathe, do you think His Grace will introduce me to this superior partner soon? Is he here, Roseford? Have you been hiding him all along?”

  James snorted out a laugh. “Never let this one go, Roseford. She is far too evenly matched with you.”

  Roseford glared at him playfully and then caught her arm. “Come along, minx.”

  She did not resist but returned to the dancefloor just as the orchestra began a waltz. Her smile softened and she stepped into his arms just as willingly as she did when they were alone and lost in each other.

  “You know, you once tried to avoid this,” he said, staring down into those dark e
yes and feeling all the connection they shared pulsing back at him. Drawing him in.

  She tilted her head. “Avoid what?”

  “Dancing with me. Touching me at all.”

  He expected her to smile, to laugh, to be coy and playful. Instead her expression fell a little. “Yes, I did. I had my reasons.”

  He wrinkled his brow at the look. “Do you want to share those reasons, my lady?”

  She swallowed hard and her gaze darted around the dancefloor at all the other couples. When her eyes returned to his he saw her hesitation. Her reluctance. It stoked a worry in him that he had never felt so powerfully before.

  “Yes,” she whispered. “But not now. Not here.”

  “Then what about our parlor?”

  Now her smile returned. “Are you certain you don’t just want to be alone with me?”

  He leaned in a little closer. Too close. Too obvious to the eyes watching them. In that moment, he didn’t give a damn what anyone thought.

  “Do you prefer me wanting you right here, right now, in the middle of this ballroom and in front of all these people?” he teased.

  Her eyes lit up and he groaned. Damn, but this woman. She truly was what everyone said she was. His match. She was his match, and that was wonderful and alarming all at once.

  “I don’t think I’m quite ready for that level of scandal, Your Grace,” she said, slightly breathless. “So the parlor it is. I want to talk to my aunt for a moment first. Will you meet me there?”

  As the music ended, he nodded. “Yes.”

  He so wanted to kiss her in that moment as she stared up at him, eyes filled with worry but also wonder. He wanted to kiss her for comfort, and to remind her that he…belonged to her. Because he did. He knew he did, he knew it like he knew his own face in the mirror.

  Perhaps he would find the strength, the courage to tell her that tonight once she had made whatever confession that weighed so heavily on her mind. Perhaps he would be able to find words that weren’t just that he cared for her, but that he felt something more.